The Columbine massacre took place ten years ago this week. In the wake of that tragedy, many in my field went to work trying to determine the root causes. Gun control was an issue. Where were the parents? What preventive role should the school have played? When the dust settled, though, most of us concluded that bullying was the primary culprit. Had Klebold and Harris not been victims, it is widely believed, the events of that awful day might have been prevented.

The nature of bullying has changed quite a bit in the last decade. Boys still bully on the physical threat and name-calling models. Girls, on the other hand, bully one another even more harshly, criticizing each other via texting, My Space, Facebook, e-mail and phone calls. And often times, nothing is sacred.

You will read that there are a number of reasons kids bully but, in the end, it all comes down to insecurity. I don’t think much of myself, so I will control and shame others before it is done to me. The thinking is, the more I bully, the more I am feared, the less likely I will be a victim in the future. I have worked with a number of teenagers over the years, both boys and girls, who have shared this sentiment with me. In the end, I have learned that bullying is in fact a truly effective short-term defense. This is why bullies are so resistant to change. Without bullying, where will my power come from? Social status is an added bonus for many bullies.

To be clear, I believe we have missed the point about bullies all along. Bullies are not “bad seeds”. They are good kids working from a poor sense of self-esteem, and a misguided set of assumptions and motives. And it is dangerous to assume that bullies cannot change. They can.

By way of intervention, we adults are charged with empowering, both the victims of bullying and the bullies. And I have found that, though the goal is the same, the interventions often need to be tailored to the need of the child.

Because they are truly vulnerable themselves, bullies choose their “victims” quite carefully. They tend not to choose battles they will lose.

For victims, therefore, parents and other adults need to help them think differently about themselves, so that they feel empowered to alter their response to bullies. In my experience, asking them to change their responses to being bullied without changing their thinking first is not particularly useful. A falsely empowered victim often adds fuel to the fire of the bully. Once their thinking has changed, victims are ready to change their “victim” behavior. I suggest parents or other adults brainstorm ideas, such as walking away, ignoring, smiling, a smartly-worded text or, on occasion, one quick, empowering punch. The child can choose the methods he or she feels is most natural to them.

In my experience, bullies are a bit more resistant to change and, believe it or not, more emotionally vulnerable. Professional help should, at times, be considered. The process of change, however, is typically the same. Yes, we should attempt to foster empathy with the victim. This is important. But we must also get the bully to see himself in a different light. We need to understand the self-loathing underlying his behavior, and support and foster a change in his sense of self-worth. If we do this successfully, his bullying behavior will diminish naturally.

Bullying is an age-old issue, a rite of passage for most generations. But over time it is becoming more insidious and damaging. It requires our attention, not only to prevent future Columbines, but to save many good kids, both victims and bullies, from needless suffering.