FEAR, JUDGMENT AND EGO

Watch this video to see what is getting in the way of your parenting. Then read on, and I’ll help you fix it!
So, I’ve been working with teenagers and their parents for twenty years, and the same themes come up over and over again. Parents consult me for any number of reasons:
  • His grades are dropping
  • He seems unmotivated, sitting around watching Netflix and playing video games
  • He doesn’t talk to us anymore
  • He’s been lying to us
  • He seems sad, or anxious, or depressed, or lonely
  • He is blatantly disrespectful

  • We don’t approve of
    • His music
    • His friends
    • His clothes
    • His language
    • His girlfriend

  • He’s smoking pot, or drinking, or abusing other drugs
  • He’s unhappy, and we’re just not sure how to get him to talk about it

boy with video game

worried teenage boy

The reasons for those initial calls, as you can see, vary wildly. But regardless of the shift in behavior, there is one phenomenon I see in most every situation.

In one way or another, parents tend to report to me that their children are no longer open, accessible, available to them. Kids are so unavailable that, despite our openness to offer guidance and counsel, they will not listen to it, learn from it, or accept it in any way.

This is the nature of adolescence, right? From neighbors, media, family, the message is clear. Parenting a teenager is rough, and getting through to them just gets harder with time.

This is what the problem looks like, the way it is commonly described to me, and the primary reason you as a family need someone from the outside to intervene. Expensively, I might add.

This is what the problem looks like. But I have learned, over and over again, that this is never really the problem.

No, the truth is quite the opposite.

Because of the laundry list of issues that might arise during our child’s adolescence, because we want things to happen a certain way, because we want our kids to be safe and sound, because parenting a teenager is so scary, it is actually we parents who become unavailable.

Because with most any parenting issue that arises, our fear of how things will deteriorate, our judgment of the choices our kids are making now, and even our ego, that may be bruised by the jagged public paths our kids are opting to traverse, actually make us unavailable to them.

Yes, when the veil is lifted, we are the ones who are unavailable to our kids when they need us most.

It is our fear, our judgment, and our egos that disrupt the connection. Teenagers just recognize that we are unavailable, and step back themselves.

Now, there is good news right underneath the surface of this problem. If we are the ones who are unavailable, and it is our fear, judgment and ego getting in the way, we can actually do something about it.

We have agency, and that is huge.

See, the issues listed above, all of them, are big deals. And our kids need our openness, advice and counsel to manage them.

So, it is imperative that we place our fear, judgment and ego in check, so that we can truly be available as the guide our child needs now.

So, given all that can go wrong, how can we place our fear, judgment and ego in check, so that we can guide our kids through the often rough waters of adolescence?

I want you to start by following these simple steps, and do it right now:
  1. Think of a parenting issue that you are struggling with.
  2. Address your FEAR. To what degree does your fear play a role in the issue? Are you afraid the situation will get worse? Are you afraid your child will not be able to handle the situation, or will choose to avoid it altogether? Write these fears down, being as honest as possible with yourself.
  3. Now, think about your JUDGMENT. Your gut impulse may be that you are not judgmental in any way, but take a beat here. Are you judging your child’s choices? His competence? His level of motivation? Are you judging his friends? And finally, are you judging yourself? I cannot tell you how often parents find, upon honest reflection, that they judge themselves and their parenting very, very harshly when an issue arises with their child. Write down your judgments.
  4. Finally, consider your EGO. Are you personally invested, to an unhealthy degree, in this situation? Do you fear others will view the situation as a reflection on you, your family, or your parenting? Write down those ego concerns.
  5. Read through your fears, judgments, and ego concerns.
  6. Now, consciously place those concerns aside, and approach the issue with your child openly and collaboratively.

We know that our kids can sense our fear, and judgment, and ego. And they cannot trust us when these three forces run our minds. But when we place these three aside, our kids can sense this as well. And the more open and available you are with him, the more he will be with you. It truly is that simple.This may seem super-complicated and arduous, I know. But it’s not. Just try it, and trust me that it will ultimately be so much easier on both of you.Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts. Tell me your story. What did this feel like for you? What difference did you see in your child? How did the problem-solving go?And keep your eyes on your e-mail. Next we will talk about the benefits of hearing your child out.Hang in there! Let’s figure this out together.

Warmly,
John