HEAR YOUR CHILDREN OUT

Watch this video and read on to learn the enormous, sometimes unpredictable value of speaking less, and listening more!

So, here’s a scenario. Your child is listening to music you don’t approve of. You’ve been abundantly clear about your feelings on this, on many, many occasions.

And you’ve been on it, right? You’ve tried a lot of different approaches to solve this issue. You’ve tried forbidding your child from listening to rap. You’ve emptied out his iPod. You’ve tried to reason with him.

You fear this interest may be a comment on his character, or your parenting. And no matter what you do, he’s just not listening.

It’s like talking to a brick wall. No, it’s worse. You fear your efforts to get him to stop may be wholly counterproductive, that he may be directly defying your wishes. So, not only does it feel as if you’ve lost your voice, but you have somehow ended up in the enemy camp. He doesn’t turn to you for guidance. No, he acts in direct defiance of your wishes.

This dynamic between you may be relatively new, and perhaps unexpected.  And I would guess it’s getting kind of frightening. I mean, if you can’t get him to listen to you about this one issue, how will you gain his ear about anything else? This is scary.

Well, let me tell you, there are reasons your child is behaving the way he is, and they are not simply to challenge your skill and acumen as a parent. After talking with hundreds of kids about situations like this, I can tell you that a number of thoughts, reasonable thoughts, are likely running through his head.

He may think, for instance, that if he engages you regarding his musical tastes, he will not be heard. He will feel judged. He doesn’t believe you will understand. I hear this from kids all the time.

That sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

What you need to understand is that, though you may hate his music, he likes it. It’s meaningful to him. It’s critical that you get to the understanding underneath the noise. This can be a really great way to discover some important things about your child’s state of mind and world view.

So how, specifically, can you go about addressing this issue? Follow these steps:

And maybe, at some point, play him a song you like. A few years ago, I worked with a father and son at odds. What connected them ultimately was music. They would go to concerts together, taking turns picking the artist. True story. Game changed.

The good news is that this approach is highly adaptable to many parenting situations you may currently be facing. These steps will be useful, for example, in discussing the clothes your child wears, or that crowd he’s hanging out with that you disapprove of, and so on. The issue can be his grades, or his focus on video games, or unwillingness to go to church with you. You will find that this approach fits most any issue.

So, consider what you find yourself disapproving of, or regularly struggling with. I’ll bet you’ve already identified more than one in the past few minutes.  I want you to begin this conversation of curiosity and connection with your child today.

Drop me a comment below, and let me know what you have learned about your child’s take on their music, or friends, or fashion sense, and how it may have helped you to understand him or her better.

Next time we are going to be talking about parenting the long game, how to move out of crisis-to-crisis, blame and shame, and think more big picture.

Thanks so much again for joining in this conversation.

Let’s figure this out together.

Warmly,
John