LET THEM MAKE DECISIONS

Watch this video and read on to learn the value of allowing your teenager to make a LOT of decisions, especially if you’re not sure she’s very good at it yet!
Here’s a truth: you are a good parent. You want your child to be happy and successful, more than anything else on earth.

It’s the reason you live and breathe, why you get up in the morning, your success gauge for parenting.

father with sonYou can hardly stand the idea that he struggles. You want nothing more than for him to feel good about himself. You want to build his self-esteem, but you’re not sure how to go about doing that.

In fact, you may think he is a little squirrelly, if you’re being honest. He’s not the heartiest, most tenacious soul. He’s not the smartest kid, or the hardest worker. He can be clumsy rather than gracefully athletic. Other kids may seem to find him a little off-putting, or annoying.

So, in order to preserve his well-being, you are sometimes inclined to back off of your expectations of him. C’s are average and acceptable, aren’t they? You may decide he can quit mid-season because he’s in a real hitting slump at the plate.

You parent from a better-safe-than-sorry perspective. Let’s save him from his own ineptitude. We do this because we don’t want our child to suffer, to be sure, but also because we can’t stand to watch, right?

So to preserve the self-esteem, and perhaps the very health and safety, of your child, you sometimes do for him. You may write a paper for him, or heavily “edit” for him, if he’s struggling in English class, for instance. You track his iPhone because you don’t trust his decision-making ability. You e-mail his teachers, and check the parent portal for grade updates constantly. You covertly arrange play dates, way beyond the appropriate age.

See, you are living under the wildly incorrect assumption that erring on the side of caution and safety, and creating a soft and comfortable world, are best for him. You think he may not notice if you make decisions for him, and that you can deftly and stealthily build a false bottom for his sense of self-worth.

Your intentions are gold. Your methods are sure to fail.

Because the only way for your child to gain a sense of self-worth, competence and resilience are through doing for himself, and making his own decisions.

Now, if you are like many, many parents I have known over the years, you may be of the fervent belief that your child does not possess this sense of competence and resilience and problem-solving capacity to which I’m referring. The only way he will ever develop any of these, however, is to do for himself, and to make his own decisions more of the time. His belief in himself will come from his accomplishments, and the lessons learned from his failures.

If you do for him, the A he receives will not be his, and he will be well aware of that.

And if he never makes some honest mistakes, and solves his way through them, he will never learn the degree of his mettle.

Competence and resilience are the foundations, the very goals, of parenting. Please remember this as you make your decisions as a parent. Let the slack out of your control, and provide your child the opportunity to celebrate his wins, honestly, and to learn from his losses and struggles, with grace and integrity.

So over the next couple of days, pay attention to your parental behavior. Instead of working from a perspective of fear and control, choose to do the following:
  1. Skip checking the grade portal, and allow your child to be responsible for his grades.
  2. Don’t check his work unless he asks.
  3. If he says he will get to a chore, give him the opportunity to do so, instead of nagging him to do it.
  4. Allow him to be the one to reach out to his teachers and coaches, or to choose not to, and suffer whatever consequences may come.
  5. Have him set an alarm and get himself up and going in the morning, instead of doing it for him.
  6. Remind yourself throughout the day that your goal is to foster competence and resilience, and so whatever you find yourself doing that impedes that pursuit, don’t.

I need to add a final note to this tip, and this is critical. I have known hundreds of teenagers, many of whom had parents who did not believe in their abilities in one way or another. So hear me out here: regardless of his circumstances, or the messes he’s gotten himself into academically, or within the family, or with his friends, or even legally, your child possesses the potential to be competent and resilient. I promise you this is true. And when we know we are competent and resilient, so many of life’s potential ills fall away.

Let him prove himself to you and, more importantly, to himself. Leave a comment below and let me know how this goes for you. And for your child. I want to hear how your child has surprised you with his ingenuity and problem-solving ability. And I want to hear how it feels for you to free yourself from hovering and helicopter-ing through your child’s life. Tell me the details!

Next time we will talk about how attending to your own life can make you a much better parent, how focusing on what makes you happy will model a more fulfilling life for your child.

Let’s figure this out together.

Warmly,
John